Natalie is not a victim

Natalie is a genuinely lovely human being, she’s more intelligent than she gives herself credit for, she always gives people the benefit of the doubt, she’s self sufficient, caring and she’s been through some truly awful situations and still come out the other side an optimist. Some times she irritated me with how happy she was, she found that funny.

Natalie told me, voice squeezed tight, that her fiancé had gone through her phone and read her emails and texts again. When he saw that she’d had lunch with a male friend he accused her of cheating on him, insulted her and trashed her flat. This isn’t his first exhibition of controlling behavior, I wish I could say it was even his tenth, this isn’t the first time he’s threatened her or threatened to hurt other people or insulted her or lied to her. This isn’t the first time he’s broken her things.

I sent her some information from domestic violence charities on emotional abuse, I told her about escalation; I told her that I’d be here for her no matter what she wanted to do but that I was scared for her. And I am.

Natalie is not a victim.

She is locked in a prison of his words, of her belief, and I’ve been somewhere like it once and I remember what life is like on that side of the bars oh and the excuses we give. The things we say. “It isn’t always like this” or “it’s the best I can do” or “I’m not going to just give up, relationship take work” or “it was my fault as well”. Something like that would never happen to me. I’m just not that sort of girl. He’s not that sort of guy.

When Natalie’s fiancé first started showing red flags I saw mutual friends tell her to stay with him, tell me that you don’t just give up on a relationship because things get tough. I saw them ignore things like invasions of privacy and gaslighting and insults. Today one her friends called her up to tell her how it was her fault, really, because it would never have happened if she hadn’t had lunch with a guy. As if controlling her was acceptable, threats were acceptable; violence was acceptable no matter what the reason to begin with.

Natalie looks so tired, I barely ever have to complain that she is too happy about anything nowadays.

I don’t know whether or not he’ll hit her but I do know that in every way that counts the violence won’t stop. I feel so helpless against it, I am terrified that if I push her too hard she’ll push back and become even more attached to him because I’ve given her something to defend. No one likes backing down. No one likes being told that they can’t take care of themselves and she can, I know that she can but how do you tell someone that right now that their ability to do so has been crippled? How do you accept that if you’re the one being told?

How do you push back against all those conflicting expectations, from the people who refuse to believe he can hurt you because he’s their friend and their friends don’t behave that way. If he reacted so badly then you must have done something terrible.

All I can think of is light winking across those diamonds and the way that everyone asked “how did he propose?” and “have you set a date?” and “have you picked out a dress?” I wonder if any of them feel the same way that I do, why we don’t have a language to ask these questions without putting everyone on the defensive. I wonder if we can ever build one; if we can ever come out behind the stereotypes, which conceal more than they reveal, and say that this could be anyone. You’re not weak and you’re not irredeemably evil but this is still wrong.

Natalie is listening.

What are we saying?